Today I don’t like who I am.

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My biggest fear in life is to hate myself.

My take on how I go through life is this: I am not alone, I have me. I will always have me.  Consequently, I can never get away from me. If I like me, then life will be pretty cool because I will be spending my forever with someone I like. If I don’t like me, then life will suck no matter what.

Over the years, I’ve worked really hard to become someone I would like. I studied more, exercised more, socialized more, dressed myself up more – it’s like adding layers of self-confidence to myself. On my good days, I take a look in the mirror and I tell myself:

You’re lovely. You’re smart. You’re funny. You are a great person. I like who I am.

On my bad days, I don’t look in the mirror because I don’t like who I see looking back at me.

When do I hate myself?

I hate myself over a lot of little things – when I make a mistake, when I yell at people who care about me – but most of all, I hate myself when I hate myself.

Does that make sense? I hate it when I don’t like me. I hate it when I feel bad about myself. I hate it when my self-loathing overpowers all the love I receive from others. I hate it when I am unhappy with myself and I feel helplessness on top of it all – as if I’m wasting my own time trying to like me.

It’s such an irrational train of thought. Once I hop onto the self-loathing train, it’s so hard to get off. I tell myself the same things I say on a good day: You are a bunch of lovely, smart, funny, great things mixed together at full brightness. I like who I am. It just feels like a bunch of lies.

There’s no real conclusion to this train-wreck of a post. When I have these bad days, I just go to bed. I tell myself that maybe tomorrow I’ll look in the mirror and it’ll be a good day. Often times, it is, and onward my life goes.

Other days, I write shit like this.

Sincerely, Loewe

 

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12 thoughts on “Today I don’t like who I am.

  1. The solution to too much introspection, especially if it’s focused on the negative, is to move to focus on what you can do to help others. When you are focusing on someone else, by default your internal focus is pulled off you.

    Not only that, you also get that special satisfied feeling knowing your efforts contributed to making someones day and life a little better. =)

    1. Yes, sometimes overthinking is the worst (I feel much better today).

      Thanks for reading and great input as well – giving back or focusing on helping others is a great way to improve self confidence and happiness.

  2. I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling better! I wanted to share some thoughts I’ve been having recently on the matter of vanity which seem related to your down-trodden spell.

    —–

    On Vanity

    Sometimes I worry that because of my psoriasis, I won’t have as many friends. Yet if those bonds of friendship are so shallow, were we truly friends at all? And if we weren’t, why did we spend so much time together? To satisfy mutual narcissistic tendencies? “Oh you’re so pretty. Oh you’re pretty too!” What a waste of time. So I’ve come to determine that maybe this disease is a gift to teach me how to become more humble, and develop other characteristics I’ve been long neglecting. Maybe having this disease will allow me to focus on my character, and my values, things I wish to improve.

    Because of this, I’ve recently thought about the fleetingness of beauty. For a short time of your youth, they will be the crowning jewel of your person (if you’re lucky). Looks will provide you with opportunities and advantages, boys will chase you, girls will be envious of you – for no other reason than being born a certain way. And yet just as beauty comes with advantages, they come at the expense of the non-beautiful. The very act of a certain subset of people receiving advantages means everyone else is disadvantaged. (Like white privilege, except with attractiveness.)

    The more advantages you receive, the harder it is to adjust to a world where those are taken away. Meanwhile, people who never had such privileges given to them might have developed a grit or fierceness in character to compensate – something that will remain all their lives, whereas beauty will inevitably fade.

    This is the ultimate crux of modern society for young women. During our years of development, we should be focused on how to make ourselves and society better, and yet we’re focused on lip plumping, hair volumizing, and botox injections. Rather than being valued for our intelligence, our kindness, and our contributions, we’re valued for our waist to hip circumference. Luckily, there’s hope. I read that the brain stops developing and changing in late-twenties, so it’s not too late to change my thought process regarding vanity. And change it I have to, because vanity will hurt you when you are no longer beautiful. It will turn to envy, jealousy, anger, hate. Rather than looking forward in life, you might look back to the peak of ‘beauty’ and long for those days.

    For the past few months, I’ve come to think of vanity as a glass castle – glorious and beautiful and yet so fragile. The bigger it grows, the more risk of everything shattering. It’s not a place to live in long-term.

    1. Thanks Tracy. Your comment made a lot of sense to me, especially the part about vanity being a glass castle and hurting me in the end. I do find myself currently constantly wishing I could go back to looking a certain way. Perhaps for now, this is still a possibility, but in a further future, this will not be feasible and I will certainly feel envy and anger at myself and others. I’ll take your advice to heart.

  3. Dear Loewe,

    This was, no matter what you think, much more than a train-wreck post! It is a wonderful quality to be able to show vulnerability and to accept that you have such feelings, because I am pretty sure we all do and if we only reject them or hate these feelings for even existing, there is no getting away from them. Writing about them, you give them space to exist but also to heal. There is always hope and you seem like you have been doing better and better !! =)

    1. Thanks for reading and sorry for my late reply. Yes, I also believe that writing about them is a step towards accepting an undesired truth, which is another step towards resolving it.

To Loewe:

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