For Part I – read here.
Sometimes I feel like my biggest life struggle is a never ending mission to like myself.
My life motto is to always strive to be a better person – smarter, kinder – the type of person I want to be best friends with, but every time I think I reach that point, something dark inside me pulls me back and makes me think that I am not smart or kind or good.
I wonder why it is so hard to be best friends with myself. I have a lot of friends. They like me (I think?) – why don’t I like me? Why do I have to try to be best friends with myself? Why doesn’t it come naturally? Why do I have to tell myself again and again:
You’re lovely. You’re smart. You’re funny. You are a great person. I like who I am.
The more I say this to myself the less it feels like the truth.
What is this dark thing inside me? Why does it do what it does? Why does it throw away all the happiness I’ve gained and earned and make me feel like my life is so empty?
And why do I let it do this to me?
I’d like to think that my mental health is good. I tell myself not to drink my sorrows away because it will only amplify my negative emotions. I tell myself I don’t need to take drugs to escape from my problems. I remind myself that I can change who I am if I am unhappy with myself.
I tell myself: you’re just having a bad day, you don’t have a bad life.
I know this. I’ve always known this. It just doesn’t make me feel any better.
I pray that I’ll always have good days because it’s scary to have bad days. The thoughts I am left alone with are so dark and ugly that I wish it didn’t come from me. I wish I can always see myself how others see me, or how I see me on my good days – as someone who works hard and cares about other people and possesses a goodness- but I also know that I can’t always be happy. I know I will never be a perfect person, and that you can be best friends with someone and still be angry at them or hurt by them. I just wish I didn’t hurt myself so much.
There are so many people out there who can do that. The whole damn world can tell me all the negative things the dark thing inside me whispers into my mind late at night, but I shouldn’t do that to me.
I should be better to me. More kind. More forgiving. More accepting.
Yet tonight again, I surrender to my demons. May my soul wake up to a day when they are silenced for good.