You’re the person whose dog dies and you refuse to get a new one. You’re the one that is like, “I had a dog! My dog was great! I don’t want a new dog!”
I laughed when my friend said this to me, but the joke stayed in my mind. It was funny because it’s true and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.
I’ve realized that I am someone who has a hard time moving on. I’m not sure why I am so fixated on the past. My present is wonderful and my future still looks bright, but nothing is as appealing as the idea of going back to my happiness from the past. And while there’s nothing wrong with taking a stroll down memory lane, I always forget that I no longer live there anymore.
It’s unhealthy to live in the past and you can’t wrap your arms around a memory, but I find myself doing it subconsciously, much to my own frustration. I am constantly reminding myself to appreciate the “now” and to be patient with myself when I can’t. It doesn’t really work.
I am angry at myself. When you focus on your losses, you don’t see your gains. When you stop appreciating all the good and beautiful things in your life, your life no longer is good and beautiful. It just all means nothing.
I think about every single person who is important to me. They are irreplaceable – there is no one out there like them. Everyone gets a special piece of me and the day I lose them is the day I lose that piece. As I’m sure it is the way for all of you, I’d like to keep all my pieces intact.
I used to think I was different from people who gave away pieces of themselves easily and freely – people who have a new best friend every year or the people who jump from relationship to relationship. Now I wonder why I judged people like that and why I thought I was better than them.
I’m not better than anyone and no one is better than me. We’re all trying our best to be happy, that’s all there is to it. The biggest difference is that I have this naive fantasy that everything will always stay the same if I stay in the same spot. I am oblivious to the fact that it means nothing if I choose to never leave, other people will.
At this point in time, I wish I wasn’t “different”. I wish I could pick up my baggage and move on efficiently, quickly onto bigger and better things like other people can. I wish I could fully appreciate all the good people and things that are happening around me right now, instead of just telling myself that I should be. Because every time I tell myself I should feel a certain way, I realize that I don’t and a terrible cognitive dissonance ensues. When I tell myself, You should be happy and thankful, I know that I’m not.
But I want to be.