My heart is always down on the ground.
I’m afraid of everything around me.
Everyone says that I’ll be happy when I fall in love
But its only when I see your back
that I feel like I’m in love.
If it was you
how would it feel?
If these crazy days became yours?
If I were you
I would just love me.
I know you already answered me
I know very well the meaning of an answerless answer
but I’m still lingering around pretending not to know.
Do you know how I’m doing these days?
I can’t fall asleep
I can’t even swallow anything.
Do you know that I become more ruined the more I look at you?
Even though it feels like I’m dying
and even though there’s no hope of you coming back
even though I know you are looking somewhere else now
I don’t think that I can
let you go.
Awhile back I read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and one of my key takeaways from that book was to pursue the negative for a positive outcome. Instead of avoiding things I don’t want to do or say, actually doing them is what (theoretically) leads to a positive experience.
A more concrete example of this is to just say fuck it and do something that scares you, and you will find that the experience itself is no longer scary. And in overcoming this, you actually become braver, which is your desired outcome at the end of the day.
I’ve been trying to implement this into my life is with my insecurities and I have to admit, not giving as many fucks has generally made my life a little better.
He asked me, “Do you still hate me?”
I think how sad it is that he didn’t understand me at all this whole time. No, I don’t still hate him. I don’t think I ever hated him. I loved him the most. I couldn’t hate him even if I wanted to.
Why didn’t he understand that?
It’s been a long time since I’ve had to deal with rumors and misunderstandings and “she said he said you said this” bullshit. We’re not in high school anymore, we’re not even in university. At the very least, don’t run into tunnel vision after hearing one fifth of a perspective.
Don’t come up to me and threaten me and tell me you heard from someone telling someone that I said x and y.
I was scrolling through my feed the other day and came upon this post:
No other person on this planet was made for you, they were made for themselves.
Love is all about choices. No one is going to be perfect for you and I think we need to stop raising everyone on the belief that someone out there was “made for you” because it isn’t true. No one is made for you besides you. Other people belong to themselves. If you want to make it work with someone, it’s about hard work, understanding, compassion, communication, and choice.
You know what I’ve been concerned about lately? Being happy and then losing it all again. Isn’t that ridiculous?
It’s one of those things where you hear about it from a 3rd person perspective, and you’re just sitting there literally thinking what is wrong with you? Everything is going great, why are you worried? Why are you not allowing yourself to be happy?
Just be happy, Loewe. Just LET YOURSELF BE HAPPY.
– my friends
The other day I got a phone call from my friend who just wanted to catch up. The beginning of our conversation was awkward with the whole “How are you?” and “I’m good, how are you” and “I’m good too… how are you?” loop, but aside from that, it was really nice and I was glad she took the initiative to reach out to me. At the end of our conversation, she told me that this year she wants to be more expressive of her feelings and she wants to tell people that she appreciates them and loves them instead of just expecting them to already know that and remember it all the time.
I thought that was pretty neat since I’m kind of a tsundere, which basically means my words and actions don’t always reflect how I feel on the inside. You could be making me really happy, but I don’t say that. I probably just tell you you’re annoying instead.
In an empty Starbucks by a hospital, my friend of over 13 years cried for me from across a little wooden table.
This year has been the worst year of my life and the shitty saga continues.
What are some big lessons from this year? I learned that people you love will leave you and you can’t make them stay. Cancer is a bitch. Loneliness makes us do terrible things. You can try to fake it until you make it and people will believe you but you’ll always know you’re faking it. I’m not brave enough to die and I’m not brave enough to live either.